I am a lot more sure of my purpose after internship. That purpose has gotten a lot broader than it may have been before, but for something I have struggled deeply to find, I’m pretty damn sure of it now. I want to make youth feel heard and make youth feel powerful. During my internship I was able to exactly that. While making a video that showcased students advocating for an Outdoor Outreach program in their school, I had to stay late and work at home but I couldn’t have cared less. I was allowing students to be heard and that’s all that mattered. Before internship, I was pretty much set on that I wanted to be a high school english teacher. I now have this more broad goal, but I like that freedom. During my internship, I was blessed enough to have the absolutely amazing woman that is Regina Kruglyak as my mentor. She is the definition of a free spirit, constantly travelling and finding ways to be able to incorporate her passion in her work. She has played a big part in realizing that I need to take things at my own pace and prioritize who I am over who others want me to be. One of the last things that she said to me was to be open to anything. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized that it doesn’t matter what I’m doing, but what I am getting and giving through it. Science isn’t my passion, but I still found passion in the work I was doing because it was giving students a voice. Outdoor learning isn’t my passion, but I recognize that it helps a lot of kids in a variety of ways and working to support that is my passion. I hope that in finding my passion AND my purpose, I will be able to persevere through work even when I don’t feel is directly contributing to my passion. With my passion as my guiding force by my purpose as the lense I look at life, I hope to be able to tie whatever I am doing to these two things. For the first time in my life, I am not scared of the vagueness that the future holds, I am excited by it. It means that as long as I know my purpose, I have the clay that I then am able to mold to whatever I feel drawn to at any given time in my life.
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My contributions helped the district realize how much student voice was needed. I was constantly commended for my work, that it was very meaningful and was impacting the way they wrote the curriculum. My person work was valued enough to ask me to return for a summer internship with the ELA department, and they have already started asking me for advice on their lessons. However, I am more proud of the doors I have hopefully opened for others. After seeing how student perspective can impact a lesson plan in ways that adults don’t think about, there was talk of wanting more interns. My hope is that not only does this help high tech students secure an internship working in education, but that this ends up in a collaboration with San Diego Unified School District students. While I can give great advice for implementing project based learning structures and a fresh way of learning, I also am not the student who this curriculum will affect or need to reflect. I think the most valuable insight will come from students within the district who represent the students of that school. High Tech is small and not very diverse. These schools are huge and have students of every race and religion. In my time interning and visiting schools within the district, I saw a lot of people who did not look like me, and while I can try my best to advocate for equitable education, those in groups that I, or other students, may not understand, should be the ones at the forefront of providing perspective. During my time at SDUSD, I was able to show educators how valuable student insight is. After my time at SDUSD, I hope to leave behind a role to be filled with diverse and bright minds in and out of the district.
My internship is working with Regina Kruglyak, the K-12 Science Resource Teacher. Now, I am not a science person and anyone who knows me knows this. I have struggled with it in every form, chemistry, biology, psychics, engineering, etc. At a meeting while speaking with other office members, I was asked what made me choose this as my internship. After explaining my connection to Regina, I said that I knew I wanted to work in education and that I saw myself as a teacher, but I also wanted to explore other options, i.e, district level work. I then was asked what kind of teacher I was interested in being. I said I wanted to work with kids my age and that writing was my personal passion, so teaching English. This caught the attention of the ELA department and after looking at the work I have done and speaking to me, a summer internship is being opened up to me! I like this work. Doing it feels so different from school work. Here I know I am making an impact and giving a lot of students a voice and allowing their needs to be addressed directly in the curriculum. Not only that, but my voice is valued and respected far more than I have ever felt. Although I know this is a once in a lifetime experience and that as I get older I won’t be able to to this work, I have hope that I have helped open a door for student voice to have a place in the district. Most adults I have spoken to are interested in interning High Tech students in the future and seeing in general how students can more actively participate in creating their education. A big struggle for me is feeling like I am not making progress, or I'm only making progress for progress sake. Knowing that the work you are doing will ACTUALLY make a difference feels a lot better than doing work just so you can get to a different place. So yeah, consciously moving forward instead of a perceived stand-still feels amazing.
I, and I know a lot of adults in my life would agree, am a very introspective and reflective person. My resting state is one of change, of always seeing where I am, and where I think I should be. When I see something in someone else that I think I want to develop in myself, I typically do. However, this doesn’t seem to translate when it comes to mental health. The adults that I am close to all seem to have a good sense of how to take care of themselves. Self care is never easy, but they seem to have it figured out, or at least enough so that their mental health doesn’t incapacitate them. I know that my self care is going to need to be more than just yoga or travelling, but what I want to develop from others in myself, is the desire to put that time aside to take care of myself. I’m arguably getting better at realizing when I’ve reached my breaking point, but I still struggle with letting it go at that point. I don’t say give up, because it doesn’t mean that I can never do something that pushes me past my limits, it means it’s not what I need right now. I need to learn balance. The lack of balance in any part of my life has been my undoing on so many levels, but it is now my task to correct this. I’m taking baby steps, going to the gym, knowing my coping mechanisms, using art to heal, but it’s definitely something I am not a “high achiever” at, but then again, I think it’d be good for me to stop striving for being “good” at everything.
"Diva"-Beyonce The work that I’m doing is all about new concepts and pushing out innovative work, I mean it’s called the Office of Innovation for a reason. That doesn’t take away from the fact that it is the Office of Innovation in the San Diego Unified School District, which is over a century and a half years old. It feels like some sort of an inside job, being inside the building where a lot of the curriculum I am fighting to change was created. It’s interesting being in an office, very much different from high tech high classrooms. There is also an established office culture which is something that I never really considered. Of course I see classroom culture everyday, but that just seems to make more sense to me. In my specific office and the offices in general, there is a set way of interaction that was very interesting to observe and adapt to not only as a newcomer, but as a kid. I feel very thankful that all of the people I am working with value me more because of my age not in spite of it. I knew that coming in I would be working with Regina who knew me well enough to know I’m serious about my work, but I have gotten the same respect from adults who have worked alongside me. Additionally, I have received a lot of praise for my work and overall feel very respected as a teen in an adult space. Finally, I do enjoy expressing myself with the way that I dress, my hair, and makeup and I definitely find humor in the stares I get from some old ladies throughout the building.
I feel amazing about my internship. With the work that I will be doing, I am giving teachers a student’s perspective and helping to tailor curriculum that is already innovated. I am working at the SDUSD Office of Innovation. The purpose of this office is innovating (obviously) traditional schools’ curriculums in order to better teach a changing generation. This is everything that I want to do. I believe that education can be such a beautiful and amazing thing, so long as it is given in a way that prioritizes learning over “success”. Helping others has always been a passion of mine, it genuinely brings me joy to be able to make sure that other kids get better experiences. This is something I actually struggle with personally, I feel like a lot of people don’t see my passion for others as genuine, or that I just do it bc it “looks good”. However, I know that with the pain and the “bad” experiences I have had, it makes them better to use them for good. So maybe it is selfish, but at the end of the day, if I’m able to turn my, or someone else’s hurt into good, it’s a win no matter what. I think the role that I will be playing at my internship is one that should be a given position everywhere. School districts everywhere should have student voice be valued as we know ourselves better than any survey. By providing real student voice and perspective, I’m helping other students, and that makes me very, very, very happy.
In all of my years in the High Tech High system, junior year has given me by far the most hard skills. I was given a much larger workload than I had received in the past and had to learn myself how to manage it. I finally cemented skills that I had been introduced to years before like making to do lists, balancing different classwork, or managing my time appropriately. Soft skills however, have simply continued to grow. This year I learned the value of self advocacy in a very different way than before. In past years I might have been okay with asking for help on a math problem, but I still didn’t know how to be a student and be okay with failing. It’s still a challenge, but this year has pushed me in unique ways that forced me to have to say something. For the first time, I told a teacher I couldn’t, that it was too much for me. We came to a compromise and together figured out a way for me to complete the assignment without sacrificing my mental health. This taught me an important lesson in communication. It is far better to be honest and forward before things get to an extreme point. Typically, I consider myself a strong communicator and have no problem talking through conflict and speaking my mind in a constructive way. However, when it comes to admitting that I can’t or giving myself slack, it’s very difficult to say it to myself, much less to an adult that believes in me. I think by working with a trusted adult, my internship will be a good opportunity to get used to accepting or denying work while being mindful about what is fair to me AND my mentor.
"To Sir with Love" - LuluAbove all, I hope my future holds contentment. I want to be a teacher, a mother, and I want to be happy. It took me a good amount of time to decide that I wanted to get into education. Being the daughter of an immigrant and the little sister of an ivy leaguer, I wanted to succeed, and badly. I cycled through lawyer, doctor, politician, etc., but I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to do it. The long and grueling hours were something that I knew that wouldn’t fulfill my need for a changing environment and interpersonal relationships. I knew that I wanted to help people, but I couldn’t find where I could do that and still be sane. My love for children and my amazing teachers allowed me to see the light. I decided that regardless of the condescending laughs I get each time I say I want to be a teacher, this is the path that would bring me the most joy and allow me to connect with the world. My biggest obstacle in achieving my goals is stress management. As you can see by my other posts, my mental state takes a large toll on my life. I hope to learn from my mentor and other adults in my life how to prioritize my tasks while taking care of myself. I am very excited going into my internship as my mentor is my old advisor and we already have a strong relationship. Since I already have a relationship, I believe I will be able to learn much more and be trusted with much more during my time with her.
"Look Up Child" - Lauren DaigleI got the exact score I wanted for my SAT and a solid essay score. I am happiest about this not because it could mean I don’t take the SAT again, but because my starting point is strong. I also got my first academic rejection. I applied to a summer outdoors program in Alaska for girls. I worked very hard on the application and wished nothing more but for those looking over my application to be able to feel how badly I wanted to go on this trip. The email was sent out at 5:20 AM, right as I begin to wake up, starting my day off in complete devastation. The worst part was a sentence placed directly after the dreaded, “Unfortunately,”... “ We loved your application and want you to know that you made it to our final selection round!” What I am sure was meant to be a silver lining was the exact thing that made me spiral. It was one of my biggest fears encapsulated in one cheery sentence. I was good, great even, I go into the final round! But it wasn’t enough. I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat this, it affected me, a lot. But I know over everything, it was a learning experience, and no matter what I do, it isn’t going to be my last “Unfortunately”. There are going to be plenty of colleges that deny me because there isn’t enough space, I’m not the right fit, or I really am under qualified. Not to mention the jobs, programs, and internships I will be turned down from in years to come. I am learning to stop defining myself by my academic success. I know that I am so much more than an application or test score, but the educational system does an amazing job of making teens everywhere feel otherwise. I don’t fully believe that I am more than my achievements, but I don’t fully believe they’re all I am either. For now, I’m just trying to find a balance between those two, through acceptance and rejection.
You can’t tell me it isn’t ironic that I was hospitalized for my mental health while doing a project surrounding the topic at school. There was not a day I was at school from start to finish, only going twice for the morning periods. This project is beginning to feel like some sort of weird torture from the universe. I always was reprimanded by my mother for “rationalizing” my mental illnesses because I liked understanding them. By understanding that my depression and anxiety were real and something that others experienced as well was grounding. However, I’m starting to see where my mom was coming from. In my research paper, I chose the topic of self harm. This is rich. I put myself in a position where I am being (now) forced to write an essay defending why self harm is an issue that needs attention. My original sentiment behind choosing a personally triggering topic was that I personally knew about it and personally cared about it. Instead of materializing into an amazing paper, it just pissed me off. I feel like I have to justify why kids hurting themselves should be stopped and why kids are scared to get in trouble. I feel like screaming while looking for facts and quotes to back me up because all I want to talk about is the real experience. However, that’s the exact reason we have to write these things. No one believes the real experience. We are told we are being dramatic, crazy, too sensitive. For me, it is enough to know that kids aren’t speaking up and they continue to do it in silence to make me want the system to change. I feel like I’m being forced to explain why I feel what I feel and do what I do instead of just feeling it. And I’m being graded on it. How great.
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AuthorFollow my path as I attempt to stick the landing on the most difficult academic year of my life so far. Archives
June 2019
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