"Look Up Child" - Lauren DaigleI got the exact score I wanted for my SAT and a solid essay score. I am happiest about this not because it could mean I don’t take the SAT again, but because my starting point is strong. I also got my first academic rejection. I applied to a summer outdoors program in Alaska for girls. I worked very hard on the application and wished nothing more but for those looking over my application to be able to feel how badly I wanted to go on this trip. The email was sent out at 5:20 AM, right as I begin to wake up, starting my day off in complete devastation. The worst part was a sentence placed directly after the dreaded, “Unfortunately,”... “ We loved your application and want you to know that you made it to our final selection round!” What I am sure was meant to be a silver lining was the exact thing that made me spiral. It was one of my biggest fears encapsulated in one cheery sentence. I was good, great even, I go into the final round! But it wasn’t enough. I’m not going to lie or sugarcoat this, it affected me, a lot. But I know over everything, it was a learning experience, and no matter what I do, it isn’t going to be my last “Unfortunately”. There are going to be plenty of colleges that deny me because there isn’t enough space, I’m not the right fit, or I really am under qualified. Not to mention the jobs, programs, and internships I will be turned down from in years to come. I am learning to stop defining myself by my academic success. I know that I am so much more than an application or test score, but the educational system does an amazing job of making teens everywhere feel otherwise. I don’t fully believe that I am more than my achievements, but I don’t fully believe they’re all I am either. For now, I’m just trying to find a balance between those two, through acceptance and rejection.
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You can’t tell me it isn’t ironic that I was hospitalized for my mental health while doing a project surrounding the topic at school. There was not a day I was at school from start to finish, only going twice for the morning periods. This project is beginning to feel like some sort of weird torture from the universe. I always was reprimanded by my mother for “rationalizing” my mental illnesses because I liked understanding them. By understanding that my depression and anxiety were real and something that others experienced as well was grounding. However, I’m starting to see where my mom was coming from. In my research paper, I chose the topic of self harm. This is rich. I put myself in a position where I am being (now) forced to write an essay defending why self harm is an issue that needs attention. My original sentiment behind choosing a personally triggering topic was that I personally knew about it and personally cared about it. Instead of materializing into an amazing paper, it just pissed me off. I feel like I have to justify why kids hurting themselves should be stopped and why kids are scared to get in trouble. I feel like screaming while looking for facts and quotes to back me up because all I want to talk about is the real experience. However, that’s the exact reason we have to write these things. No one believes the real experience. We are told we are being dramatic, crazy, too sensitive. For me, it is enough to know that kids aren’t speaking up and they continue to do it in silence to make me want the system to change. I feel like I’m being forced to explain why I feel what I feel and do what I do instead of just feeling it. And I’m being graded on it. How great.
"Between the Bars" - Elliot SmithI took my first SAT this weekend. Years of stressing, weeks of studying, and days of crying, all culminating in a 5 hour test. Leaving school on Saturday at 1 PM after sitting in silence for hours felt good, but it didn’t feel great. It has been one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I was sleeping early, eating right, staying on top of my work, and felt put together. However, due to things happening in my personal life, I felt, and feel, completely paralyzed at points. The same question always ringing through my mind, “What if all my work wasn’t good enough, what if none of it was worth it?” I am a teenager with severe mental illnesses. While I do not want this to define me, I can’t pretend like this doesn’t deeply impact my schooling and my ability to succeed. With a project that is focused on brain health, it is a peculiar feeling to be relearning the things I was told in a therapist’s office through the lens of biology. Sometimes it makes things make sense, and that makes it better. Other times I just feel like a freak despite the supportive and kind nature of my classroom. There are a lot of amazing things I learned this week and a lot of connections I can make to those things but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that this week just didn’t feel good. It’s hard to remember, but things will change and life will move on. I’m trying my best, and sometimes that’s all we can do.
"Hard Feelings/Loveless" - LordeIt is now officially the week before I take my first real SAT. It feels as though there is not a single free moment, and when there is, all I want to do is nothing. I say the first final hour because this is just the first of many large steps that we will take as juniors. We still have things like internships, POLs, and not to mention all the work we have apart from that as juniors in the Ruland/Hood Esparza team. Needless to say, it’s a lot. This week was a definite struggle for me. I felt like I was back in chemistry, my weakest subject to date. With talk of RNA and proteins, I found myself completely lost and unmotivated to catch up. I tend to fall into a horrendous cycle of feeling dumb for not understanding and then giving up and feeling even dumber for that. This is not the time to fall into this cycle. So I didn’t. It is the first final hour and while that is daunting as hell, it also means it’s now or never. I choose now. I kicked myself into gear, talked over things with Nuvia and am prioritizing SAT work. I know I can make it, it’s just going to a rough journey there. All I know is that it will feel amazing to get to where I want to be and know it was because of my hard work and the endless love from my friends, teachers, and family. |
AuthorFollow my path as I attempt to stick the landing on the most difficult academic year of my life so far. Archives
June 2019
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