"Between the Bars" - Elliot SmithI took my first SAT this weekend. Years of stressing, weeks of studying, and days of crying, all culminating in a 5 hour test. Leaving school on Saturday at 1 PM after sitting in silence for hours felt good, but it didn’t feel great. It has been one of the best and worst weeks of my life. I was sleeping early, eating right, staying on top of my work, and felt put together. However, due to things happening in my personal life, I felt, and feel, completely paralyzed at points. The same question always ringing through my mind, “What if all my work wasn’t good enough, what if none of it was worth it?” I am a teenager with severe mental illnesses. While I do not want this to define me, I can’t pretend like this doesn’t deeply impact my schooling and my ability to succeed. With a project that is focused on brain health, it is a peculiar feeling to be relearning the things I was told in a therapist’s office through the lens of biology. Sometimes it makes things make sense, and that makes it better. Other times I just feel like a freak despite the supportive and kind nature of my classroom. There are a lot of amazing things I learned this week and a lot of connections I can make to those things but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t say that this week just didn’t feel good. It’s hard to remember, but things will change and life will move on. I’m trying my best, and sometimes that’s all we can do.
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"Hard Feelings/Loveless" - LordeIt is now officially the week before I take my first real SAT. It feels as though there is not a single free moment, and when there is, all I want to do is nothing. I say the first final hour because this is just the first of many large steps that we will take as juniors. We still have things like internships, POLs, and not to mention all the work we have apart from that as juniors in the Ruland/Hood Esparza team. Needless to say, it’s a lot. This week was a definite struggle for me. I felt like I was back in chemistry, my weakest subject to date. With talk of RNA and proteins, I found myself completely lost and unmotivated to catch up. I tend to fall into a horrendous cycle of feeling dumb for not understanding and then giving up and feeling even dumber for that. This is not the time to fall into this cycle. So I didn’t. It is the first final hour and while that is daunting as hell, it also means it’s now or never. I choose now. I kicked myself into gear, talked over things with Nuvia and am prioritizing SAT work. I know I can make it, it’s just going to a rough journey there. All I know is that it will feel amazing to get to where I want to be and know it was because of my hard work and the endless love from my friends, teachers, and family. |
AuthorFollow my path as I attempt to stick the landing on the most difficult academic year of my life so far. Archives
June 2019
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